It happened suddenly. Or at least it felt that way. Right
before I turned 40, I started looking at myself differently. I saw a woman who was gifted and talented
looking back at me. I saw an excellent mother and wife. I saw soft curves and
muscles that were beautiful. I remember thinking... Why can’t this just be my new
reality? Like… ALL of the time? What if
I just loved myself and became my own biggest fan?
I started seeing my life differently too. The choices I make
every day. The priorities I set. What and who I value in my life. Even how I
look at my own time management. Everything just shifted. Seemingly overnight.
Now, I wouldn’t say that my life is perfectly stress free. I
don’t walk around on a cloud all day thinking about how wonderful I am and how
perfect my life is… But I gotta say… it’s kind of becoming more and more like
that every day. And why not? I mean, really… WHY NOT?
I was in the Air Force as a younger woman and I often heard the
phrase, “Perception is reality.” Back then, and maybe only until recently (as
in when I sat down to write this article), I did not care for that message very
much. You mean, I am supposed to constantly be careful of what other people
think of me because that becomes my reality? I am exhausted just thinking about
it. I needed to be an exemplary officer all of the time… and especially as a
woman in the aviation field, where the standards were impossible to uphold both
from peers and superiors. The message was, “Be careful of how others perceive
you or you may get a reputation as a ‘so-and-so’ and then that will be your
reality.”
Of course, this message is not reserved solely for military
women, but maybe for all of us in one or more aspects of our lives.
Men- Be
sensitive and aware of feelings. Wait, did you just cry? Hmm… Maybe he’s just a
“wimp.”
Moms- Earn
money for the family but also make your children your top priority. Wait, did you just miss a work meeting for a
school assembly? Hmm… maybe she just isn’t “career-focused.”
Minorities-
Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work hard. Wait, did you just get angry
over institutionalized racism? Hmm… maybe she’s just a “troublemaker.”
As it turns out, most of us… maybe all of us… could easily
get bound by this idea of perception being reality. But what if it wasn’t about
other people’s perceptions at all? What if it really was about how we perceive
ourselves? What if we decided, owned, and accepted that we create our own
reality?
Now hold on just a minute… Am I suggesting that injustices
and inequalities don’t really exist? That racism, sexism, discrimination, and
prejudice are not a reality? Of course not. I have even had the benefit of
experiencing some of these things firsthand. When these situations present
themselves, becoming upset, hurt, or angry may be just what is needed in the
moment. We must challenge injustice and work to build a stronger community and
society. Our work will likely never be fully done on this front and I am
strongly committed to being a part of that movement for the remainder of my
days.
But what if that was not the end of the story? Did you just
hear me say that I had the benefit of
experiencing injustice and inequality firsthand? I see it as a benefit for
sure… not one that I would wish on anyone else and not one that I would choose
to visit again necessarily… but the perspective, knowledge, and empathy I
gained through those experiences have informed who I am today. And while my 40th
birthday may have felt like a pivotal moment in the development of my outlook
on life, I am quite sure that is has been the sum of my experiences that has
brought me to this place.
I tend towards a holistic approach to life. So with that in
mind, let’s examine this idea of perception as reality from the vantage point of
a mind-body-spirit perspective.
My mind is a joyous, optimistic, and playful place full of
light and love. But it can be a dark and twisted place sometimes too. I am
capable of sharing unconditional love with total strangers. I am also capable
of deeply hurting those who I love and cherish the most. I am capable of
inspiring others to reach for more in their lives. I am also capable of making
others feel “less-than.” I can laugh, make others laugh, and be sillier than
sometimes seems appropriate. I can also
cry, get angry, feel sorry for myself, and combat anxiety and fear.
So, what is reality? Who is the real me? Well, perhaps if I
can accept these things without needing to change them but rather grow to
perceive myself as a person who experiences a wide range of emotions and
thoughts, then maybe my reality becomes more peaceful. I am not invested in
being one or the other but instead can increase my compassion and empathy for
others who share the same range of experiences. While I do not delight in
causing pain to others, I can also accept that I am human and sometimes make
mistakes. To deny that may be akin to thinking that I am superhuman, maybe even
godlike, and I can acknowledge that I have not reached that realm. Yet.
If I perceive my physical body to be a work of art… a
beautiful specimen that has brought forth life… has successfully carried me
through some of the darkest times in my life… has continued to bounce back time
and again from injury, illness, and abuse perpetrated by me… Then perhaps my
reality shifts from one where I feel like my body is never quite enough. Not
skinny enough…. Not toned enough… Not tall enough… Not tan enough…. My reality
can then become one where I want to nourish my body with healthy and satisfying
fuel because I want it to continue to perform at a high level. If I respect my
body, then I want to listen to what it has to tell me. Take a rest because you
are exhausted? Ok. Get us moving because you are ready to dance? Ok. Take a
stretch because you are feeling tight? Ok. I am now a partner with my body. It
is a relationship that I am nurturing on a daily basis and it took me nearly 40
years to fully appreciate that need.
Which brings me to my last point of examination. The
spiritual realm. My word… how much is wrapped up here for us in terms of
perception and reality when it comes to spirituality? Even the word
“spirituality” can set hairs up on the necks for many of us. But let’s suspend
any particular dogma or belief system for just a moment and look at what
accessing one’s spirit may look and feel like. Chances are that we have all
experienced it at one time or another. For some of us, we may have found our
spirit through nature. Ever been on a walk or hike and been overwhelmed by the
smell of the fresh air, the sounds of the crashing waves, or the sight of a
particularly breathtaking sunset? Maybe you have lost yourself in music or
dance and felt peace and joy in your heart? Perhaps you have created a meal for
your family with love and care and delighted in the sense of communion with
your loved ones?
Whatever it may look like for you, we all have a spirit who
requires nurturing and attention. If we allow our perception of what
spirituality “should” be or what we perceive others think of us to get in the
way, then our spirit remains hungry. My spirit called me today to write this
article. I have laundry (clean at least) surrounding me that is demanding to be
folded and put away. I have a dentist appointment in 30 minutes and I am still
in my pajamas. I had a hundred reasons why I couldn’t make the time to write
today… same as I have been doing for months now… but for some reason, today, I
decided to follow my spirit. And I am glad that I did.
So, I have listened to my body, accepted my rollercoaster
mind, and fed my spirit. You know what my reality is right now? I am moved to
tears of gratitude for the life that I lead. There are challenges every day… just
this morning I snapped at my son and showed him a poor example of parenting.
But there are also so many beautiful things to enjoy. Like the sound of the
rain outside my window as the drops fall on the climbing clematis in full white
bloom. And the knowledge that I can kiss my son and tell him I am sorry and
that I love him when I pick him up from school today. And he will likely kiss
me back and tell me that he loves me too.
I perceive my life as being blessed. And so. It is.
